


it'll be alright (because it's you)

by Loreley



Category: Free!
Genre: (or university AU if you prefer), Canon Continuation, Established Relationship, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, domestic reigisa, have some troubled nagisa and supportive rei, it's a very important gift though!, merry christmas??, this is just really self-indulgent of my headcanons and I'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 14:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2853383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loreley/pseuds/Loreley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagisa has never thought himself to be "enough". In school, in the eyes of his family, with his friends... he <i>tried,</i> but it was never <i>enough.</i></p><p>But he, had Rei with him, so it would be alright. <i>Rei-chan could do anything.</i></p><p>(or, the three times that Nagisa did not know why Rei loved him, and the one time that he did.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	it'll be alright (because it's you)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to write something based on some headcanons I've seen floating around that Nagisa has self-esteem issues, considering the way he reacts to compliments. It's also really important to me that it's practically canon how Nagisa really likes history, and I can see him working hard at uni if he studies something he likes (and if he has the help of his beautiful dork boyfriend)
> 
> So, I apologize for this terribly self-indulgent thing. I wrote it in three sittings with too much emotion and L'Arc-en-Ciel's "I Wish" on repeat forever because holidays.
> 
> Merry Christmas to pageleaf! She asked for Reigisa, and I was more than happy to Reigisa.

****_Everything will be okay_

_It’ll be alright_

_if I’m with_

_Rei-chan._

Nagisa said such things _all the time_. His admiration for Rei existed even before he knew his name, and had only grown with alarming ardency since then. In his mind, Rei could do _anything_ , and if he got too caught up in theory and calculation and failed because of that, he always found a way to transcend that shortcoming. (These were minor at best. Otherwise, endearing.) Nagisa could trust his friend to make up for every little gap in his abilities, tenfold—though it was not that he was sure Rei looked for them, the action was _unconscious_ on his part as they fit so well together, it was that he was sure they were terribly easy to find. Laid bare, for everyone to see.

(It wasn’t that he was pushy or loud or greedy it was that he _tried_ , and he knew he _tried_ , but he never tried enough. With his friends family school life everything—it wasn’t enough. He was not—)

But, he could help and support his friends. He could help and support _Rei_ , and it was an easy dedication to make when he really did love that man, for every reason possible.

_why?_

Somehow, Nagisa had happened upon the incredible luck that Rei loved him, too. Precisely because of the fit of their personalities, their love was of a workable sort. _Another opportunity for Nagisa to prove himself. That he wasn’t enough—_

_it’s alright_

_if it’s Rei-chan…_

˚•˳

Nagisa thought that Rei was still asleep. A foolish assumption to make, considering Rei was the early-riser of the pair, even if they didn’t have class or work to attend that weekend: it was Nagisa who was breaking the unspoken rules of normalcy by rising when his boyfriend usually did. 

In the bathroom with the door closed and speaking softly, he was certainly taking every precaution as if Rei was still asleep; still, being wide awake from the moment he felt the bed shift and its other occupant depart, Rei could hear every word of those sweet-sounding murmurs. As there were no other sounds to indicate a different scene, an image of a sleepy, rumpled Nagisa in front of the mirror danced upon the stage of his mind’s eye, but because he could make out the words as well, it could not dredge up a smile.

_“I don’t like you.”_

It was Nagisa’s voice, but lower than its characteristic pitch; this was the voice he reserved for when it was dark and things were easier to say, when he could say _I love you, Rei-chan_ or _I’m so glad we’re together,_ and it sounded so different from when he said those things in the daylight, when he _meant_ them but didn’t _quite_. He could say those things when he felt he could not be seen _(if I can’t see you then you can’t see me)_ and it was so, so earnest and so, so sweet and to hear that voice saying what it was now had the twist of a nightmare.

_“I don’t love you. I never loved you,_

_why can’t you_

_do anything right?”_

The reflection took the abuse without any audible defense.

_(Because the person he spoke to knew it all to be true.)_

Unless… the pitch Nagisa had adopted for this purpose was not meant to be his own, but reminiscent of someone else.

He didn’t truly believe that Rei thought those things, did he—?

The comforter would have puddled on the floor had it not been sent there in a violent wave; the bathroom door was burst open without a sound of warning.

“A-ah! Rei-chan! Did I wake you up…?” Nagisa’s eyes were wide with a spark of embarrassment as they tore away from the mirror, though his cheeks went rather pale as opposed to flushing. The apology was just on the tip of his tongue, resounding loudly in his voice without yet forming the words.

Rei cut him off: “What’s wrong?”

When Nagisa said nothing, shocked out of a reply at Rei’s directness, the latter continued as a manner of explanation, “You’re up early…”

The blonde appeared reassured at this stated reason. “I’m gonna make the most of the day, Rei-chan. ‘You can’t spend all your time sleeping!’ That’s what you say, right?” He was his bright, chipper self, his voice diving to imitate Rei’s and then bursting back up with renewed enthusiasm.

“I just happened to wake up early, so I turned off my alarm and got up so you could— _mmf,_ ” Ignoring the explanation he knew to be a lie, Rei suddenly crossed the short expanse of the bathroom in two strides and gathered up Nagisa in his arms. He gave him a tight squeeze, effectively silencing him, but this was evidently not an issue considering how he felt two hands gather fistfuls of his shirt as his lower back, in spite of everything.

Nagisa lifted his head to find the warmth of Rei’s skin where the buttons of his pajama shirt were unfastened, and hid his face there, as if fearing what it would show. The breath that he took trembled violently. “ _Rei_ …” A lack of his typically-cute address made Rei’s heart seem to stop, and then burst to life again with painful force.

With a turn of his head to rest his cheek upon the mess of blonde curls, Rei closed his eyes. “It’s okay. Let’s make the most of the day, Nagisa-kun.”

He still did not know if Nagisa had been speaking in his stead or talking to himself, and he could not decide which was worse.

•

When he was not busy with his own classes at university, Nagisa helped others. While he did not exactly resolve to improve their study skills, when it came to disciplines such as history, sometimes it was beneficial simply to hear an event explained in a different—and considerably more animated—way. And Nagisa told them all like _stories_

Where a major in such a field would get him in life no one really knew, but for now, he was _helping_.

Nagisa’s concern for his students was obvious even if he didn’t think so himself, so when Rei remarked that he was _really working hard_ as the little blonde was seemingly attempting to race himself out the door, it didn’t seem like anything terribly unusual. At least it managed to hit Nagisa’s pause button, catching him in the doorway.

“Of course!” He replied in a triumphant voice, hands resting on narrow hips and chin held high, assuming a much greater height than what he actually possessed, “I deserve a lot of respect!”

Rei had heard that voice before. All of their friends had, and even though he had known Nagisa for the shortest amount of time amongst them, Rei had heard it the most. The things he said cut straight through the boy’s defenses—that is to say, they defied every one of his expectations. In the face of what was surely a blatant lie, Nagisa lied right back.

Deferring to a path alternative to confrontation, Rei said, “You know it, then,” as if that settled the matter.

It did not. Nagisa deflated immediately, and flushed far too quickly for it to be healthy. “I-it’s nothing special, Rei-chan, I do it every day…”

“Then, you work hard every day.”

Nagisa’s eyes had grown approximately to the size of dinner plates, and his grandiose gesture of checking the time on his phone did nothing to mitigate this fact. “I-I gotta go help everybody prepare for the exam--!” he blurted and, only after blowing Rei a kiss, took his leave.

Rei jumped a little at the sound of the slamming door and frantic footsteps down the stairs, but wound up laughing in spite of himself. Everyone was relying on him, but they had Nagisa, so

_they’ll be alright._

_•_

“Nagisa-kun! Come here.”

It was quite remarkable, really, how such a simple request could effectively halt the little fireball that blazed through the apartment. He appeared in the kitchen entryway, miraculously not disheveled in the slightest, with enormous and expectant eyes. “Rei-chan?”

Rei’s mouth was twisted in something of a frown. “Come here…”

A little suspicious now at the manner in which his boyfriend sat rather stiffly at the table, Nagisa approached slowly. Rei’s hands stopped him as they grasped his arms, as if holding him out to look at him.

The beckoner spoke only after taking a deep breath, for even after all this time together _living together pouring their lives together_ it was a bit difficult to overcome barriers of self-consciousness. But he wanted Nagisa to know, and it was rather _romantic_ and _beautiful_ and he knew how Nagisa would react, too, so he had to say it. “You look cute.”

Even in the folds of the enormous sweater he had chosen that morning, it was striking how Nagisa’s arms stiffened, his joints locked. A light blush teased his round cheeks as his countenance struggled to decide how to properly arrange itself when faced with an unexpected compliment. Even with every sign in Rei that he knew so well, that he had been saving up a sweet observation likely for hours, knowing him, he was unprepared. Now so showing his discomfort, Rei sobered. _He was not going to do this he was not_

“Y-you always look really c-cute, Rei-cha—”

“ _Nagisa_.”

Choking a bit as his face descended into a scarlet hell, Nagisa lifted his eyes, tentatively, to meet Rei’s.

“You look cute.”

Nagisa kept hesitating, opening his mouth only to close it hurriedly. Every knee-jerk reaction that he was used to relying upon wasn’t what he wanted to say, so he fought it. He wasn’t going to do that anymore.

So he said, “Thank you…”

One hand balled into a fist at his side; the other happened to include a fair portion of Rei’s sleeve. It made the latter smile.

Rei’s eyes glowed with a gentle warmth, and he pulled Nagisa forward to kiss him on a flaming cheek.

˚•˳

“Why do you love me?”

The lights had gone out some time ago, and the two had said their ‘good-night’s very shortly thereafter. It had taken some time for the question to come, wandering through the half-sleeping darkness from somewhere behind Rei’s back. He had nearly been lost to unconsciousness, himself, but apparently the same could not be said for Nagisa.

Rei turned over to find Nagisa’s eyes wide open and trained steadily upon him; it startled him a little, instinctively, but the feeling that settled was concern for the other far more than himself. That question did not mean that _Rei_ was in trouble.

He wasn’t digging for compliments, no—the way he stared at Rei in the dark was the look of someone cornered, desperate, feeling their only precarious foothold slipping out from beneath them. It happened every time he felt himself falling, expecting some rational self-stabilizing force in his mind to pull him back, only to be disappointed. Again and again and again

It was an entirely honest question.

Nagisa had every intention of letting the question hang in the air, undisturbed until it met with its answer, but the darkness was too thick and deep and he had too many answers himself, all of them transforming his inquiry into a yes-or-no matter.  He was saying _I’m sorry I’m sorry Rei-chan_ over and over and Rei was holding his arms, preventing him from running away but of course he wouldn’t do that, right? _Nagisa-kun is the type of person who doesn’t give up easily._

(he never gave up on his friends, his work, his students, his _Rei-chan_ )

(he _tried_ )

There he was, sniffling and trying to apologize but unable to speak gripping Rei’s shirt in keen little fingers wrapping himself around every inch of warmth he could find and it didn’t make sense, it didn’t make sense at all how Nagisa couldn’t see how brilliant he was, how _beautiful_ he was, and he really did make everyone happy didn’t he know _didn’t he know it to be true?_

Rei still held him tightly. Nagisa’s breathing was beginning to even, finally, and when he looked up, his gaze wobbled.

Nagisa had always been enough, so Rei said,

_(It’ll be alright)_

“Because it’s _you_.”


End file.
